I'm Really Sorry Steven.

It's 1:45 AM
The lights shaking the smokes filling the air and I'm out of cigarettes.
Fuck.
I love you motherfuckers.

People never change bitch don't even try.

- Stealing Jack Daniels
- Sleeping half naked pool side
- Getting drunk probably too much.
- Hating everything but that being okay
- Sleeping at home as little as possible
- Having "sexy partys" with michael flores
- sleeping roof top with old good friends
- hating everything
- Constant headaches
- Sweating far to goddamn much
- swimming constantly
- Going to San Diego for a week in 5 days.

This is the summer I wanted. So why do I still feel terrible about multiple things. I don't know I fucking hateeeeeeee myself and everyone else. But whatever you know. I'm fucking up constantly. Whatever though. This is my last summer vacation. I'm going to fucking enjoy it before I have to "grow up".



Now I'm not saying I'm not an asshole, just that you're one too.

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
rock me mama anyway you feel
hey mama rock me

rock me mama like the wind and the rain
rock me mama like a south bound a train.







everything
is going
to be
okay.
I promise.

To grow a beard.
It's going to look scummy and terrible.
And I'm going to love it.
I go smoke now.
I hate everything.

So here I am lieing on hudsons small couch.
Everyones asleep and as usual I'm awake. And as usual I felt like writing. The light from the laptop is making my eyes hurt and I don't really know what I want to talk about.
Things are fucking hectic, everythings fucking changing and everythings fucking moving. I'm having a hard time gripping all of it. I've lost friends to jail and change of personalities this year, I've gained a girlfriend and am starting to get responsibilities. And it's making me fucking sick.
I had a good fucking talk with sid tonight and it felt nice i really got where he was comming from and i hope he got where i was comming from. I really can't believe how nieve i was to think this could be so simple. I'm seventeen, i started hanging out with chad and hudson and this group since I was 15 my teenage years have been spent with these guys when i think of the future i see these guys i see everyone sitting around and still talking about how fucking sick to our stomics we are with everything around us. But I've been feeling lately that things might not work that way and i really dont fucking know what to think of that. Everyone has their fucking thing i have my thing with karina chad with erin i dont know i feel the drift and its making me fucking sad. everything ever is making me fucking sad. this is a terrible poorly written rant full of bullshit. i dont care about punctuation or capitilization or sticking to subject matter or fucking anything right now. 2 fucking years ago most likely on this goddamn day i was outside with chad talking about everything. i think about the change between now and then and i dont fucking know man

So fuck man here i am facing another summer that has a tendency to go 2 ways really good or really horrible and i dont know which i want. i want to fucking punch a baby right now a fucking baby with a dick the size of tony danzas nose. thats all i can fucking say. i just want to stay on a porch with these guys forever with a shitty bottle of endless wine a everlasting pack of cigarettes and never sleep. why cant it be like that i feel like im at the end of a fucking comming of age story .
everything makes me fucking sick
everything makes me fucking sick
everything makes me fucking sick
everything makes me fucking sick
fuck it.
i dont know man just fuck it
i just want this forever and i dont think it will last more than a couple of years i dont fucking know im just fucking wack. im sorry
no ones going to read this
shoot me.
whatever.

getouttamylifegoaway

I still hate myself.
I still hate everyone.
I still hate everything
Just  to make it clear that I'm not some sort of pussy.

But you want what I can't get.
I wish it didn't have to be so bad.

marathon.

HEY MOTHERFUCKER,
you are a motherfucker.

anyway:

"Nathan please try not to use slang such as 'everything sucks' over and over again in your essays apart from that, it was good"


I need to get to school more.
Today was really horrible.
I hate myself so much.



some people are just fucking leaches.
honestly
honesty
as popular as the fucking black plague


I'm so full of shit its ridiculous.

It was a birthday gift
of a Mexican Telecaster
And from this day on I will play along
to all my young pioneers records
And there will be a poetry spoken silently between me and the stereo
I'll work mornings
and you can work through the night
Mary, there is no hope for us
If this GM van don't make it
across the state line
we might as well lay down and die
Because if Florida takes us
we're taking everyone down with us
Where we're coming from (yeah)
will be the death us
And I cannot help but hold on
to a handful of times
when what was spoken
was a revolution in itself,
and what we were doing
was the only thing that mattered
And how good it felt
to kill the memory of nights spent
holding your shirt for the smell
I heard you used to cry
when you made love to him
but this band will play on
Because all we can do is what we've always done. And on and on and on...

Because my knuckle fucking HURTS!

You're just jealous cause we're young and in love.


blah blah blah
all night in party van
so tired.

happy for the first time in my life for years literally. I don't deserve to be happy. I'm probably completely wrong about everything but at least I'm happy.

and done feeling so shitty.
Really I am so done.
I was just reading old my space messages of better times and remembering how I was. When I wasn't such a pathetic wreck. And I miss that so I'm done being like this. Everything is going to be alright. Really this time.

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am

I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out
It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds
So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget
So you can forget
You can forget

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

And I really like it.

You get old believe me when I say
It's the same shit everyday
But I got to know my place
And if you don't it smacks you in your face.


Just like fuck it right?


anyway

im tired of being sad and lonely you know?

fuck it
fuckit
ah
god.

First with your hands and then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen
You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave
You used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined and eyes like a showroom
Now they are spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman is a liar
He said it would be raining but it is clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed,
on a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen,
"Everything is as it's always been.
This never happened.
Don't take it too bad it is nothing you did.
It's just once something dies you can't make it live.
You are a beautiful boy.
You're a sweet little kid but I am a woman."
So I laid back down and wrapped myself up in the sheet
And I must have looked like a ghost because something frightened me
and since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free...
and a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can't bother me

Janie always said I was a mess
Sorry bout that mess

Another night in party van.
This one was far more comfortable.

Her: "Just wake up in the morning and tell your self  "I am a good person and today will be a good day"
Me: ".....If I did that I would probably vomit all over the entire planet"
Her: "you're an asshole."
-------------
Crystal: "I'm really glad I came here tonight, It really beats feeling sorry about my life and moping on my space"
Brian: "Yeah, Instead you came here and you can feel sorry for Nathan's shitty life"
-------------
Her: "You're the worst thing that ever happened to me"
-------------
Me: "Man! I don't hate everyone and everything...I just hate stupid people and stupid things....too bad everyone and everything is pretty fucking stupid"
-------------
Me: "I think I might have a split personality.
Brian: "Yeah one personality is (regular and happy here) "Hi, I'm Nathan and I hate myself", and then theres (pissed off sad angry) "GOD I'M NATHAN AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF"
------------
Me: "It's not my fault everyones an asshole, I mean everything sucks. Seriously think about it...the Desendents album 'Everything Sucks' fucking sucked. Now what does that tell you about everything?"
-----------
Macklin: "I don't think anyone is genuinely happy except dumb people."
-----------
Her: You are a fucking hopeless asshole.
-----------
Everyones an asshole, and everything sucks. Don't try, it will only make you feel worse....

Hey man.
I'm an unloveable monster.
So be it.

I'm just livin the dream you know?
Fighting the world with my dick.

I'm practiceing in a band.

And making a split zine with a good friend.

So maybe things are getting better. But everytime things get better they usualy make a drastic turn for the worst.

So expect some more typical nathan blogs.


But like no one reads this anyway so I don't care much.
About anything.

I havent had a lj comment since like 3 months ago.



BUT IM JUST LIVING THE DREAM


I need a fucking job again


Fuck dishes though you know?

like
nervous breakdowns man you know?

Somewhere to write, a home for useless thoughts. The only reason to be on here is because no one else is. No one gives a shit. No one reads this and that means I'm free to write whatever the fuck I want. But seriously how unpersonal have we gotten from the paper and the pen. We blog now! We are the writers of the future. Well if the writers of the future do It via livejournal I'm pretty sure theres no hope left.

I'm such an asshole
I'm never going to get inebriated like that again or at least for a long while. Because I don't like what it does to me it drasticly drops any idea of what should or should not be said or done. So when it all comes down to it it makes me a fucking idiot. Now I'm already an idiot as is so doing stupid shit just makes me an idiot and it makes me way to fucking emotional. I go overboard over the top and im fucking over it. I'm fucking over all of it.
Im over being drunk
Im over being surrounded by drunk idiots
IM OVER EVERYTHING.
I'm mostly over feeling so goddamn shitty. All any of this did was just make me feel empty. And even more sad then when I started. I just don't want to be so goddamn lonely all the time thats it.
I hate being so lonely.

I had to take a photo of it because my scanner doesnt hook up to XP. Hey I had a long conversation with an old friend today. And it was nice.

whatever

lets lose control!

MOTHERFUCKER, but hey music man musicccc.
I NEED a motherfuckinn job.

Now we cruze down 111 going from the mall to where ever listening to shakeria. And when doing this I know that everythings going to be alright.

I'm starting a zine.
It's called "Bad Luck"
and im going to write a story about eli because hes gone. =(

Me and the state of new jersey are going to get in a fist fight. Tomrrow 3 oclock behind the school in the wash. I'm going to fuck its shit up for trying to steal ryan away from me. And then after that we're going to meet at the old quarry and race to the edge and whoever brakes before the end is a fucking CHICKEN. So New Jersey you fucking pussy I hope you read this because your getting your shit fucked up.

nice guys finish lasttttttttt

anyway.
im annoyed
really really annoyed.


i just need to keep telling myself i dont care and eventuly i wont care WATCH. dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcaredontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare
dontcare


See Its working already...not really. ARGH

I give up, I am fucking DONE. I FUCKING QUIT.

I would kill to be able to walk through walls. Then I could go smokeeee.

because they are funny.


That guys name is tyson. Let me tell you a little bit about tyson, he has the best ghost story you will ever hear. Basicly, I heard it lonnggg before I met the guy but when I did we got in a long discusion about it. Now I love this picture cause it looks like hes telling me crazy shit (which he probably was) and im just like....alright.......wow.....wtf....ahh anyway. When your thirsty you end up drinking beer at parties. very gross beer.



me and danielle and rick we're the only sober ones. woahh!
It was a white trash party. I wasent able to pre pare so i just brought a broken microwave.



frank got stoned and i think the whole interwebz needs to know!!!!11!1!1111

ahh partys

and now its written all over my face, no one ever plans  to sleep out in the gutter. Sometimes thats just the most comfortable place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a party tonight. It was a lot of fun. Only because it was a lot of my good friends. It was a friends birthday and now I am at chads house.








anyway.
Fuck you.

Cars are for idiots.
ha. For some reason I like this picture.

Shut the fuck up and play me air hockey.

So basicly in case you havent heard about this (you probably have) I am THE best air hockey player you will ever meet. Really!

And I challange anyone who doubts my abilitys.


ANYWAY
=======
I just finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

And I just got back from spending the night at Timmy/Kristas place. Yeah, they have their own house, preettty crazy huh? And their married....I married them. (www.ulc.org) we stayed up late, played truth or dare, told ghost stories, and smoked until my pack was gone. It was a really good night. And I'm really glad elis back. oh and karina is too! NOW RYAN GET YOUR ASS BACK FROM NEW JERSEY AND RETURN HOME. and this is only for people on vaction not people who actuly moved forever geeze.


PS we got in an arguement about who could win in a fist fight IM TELLING YOU I CAN KICK A LIONS ASS IN A FIST FIGHT. But they say I'll get killed. Oh and kristas house is haunted and I called a ghost a "punk-ass bitch" and to "show your fucking pussy face" which was a bad idea because krista swares some "black figure" appered in the closet and I saw a black cat walk by the window. I don't really belive that shit but...I was soo scared last night haha.

I have a goddamn headache.
AHH GOD franks washer is so loud.

I always post on LJ when I am at franks house?

Anyway.
rest is for the wicked. Or something of that nature.



HEY!

hey hey hey hey hey


PEOPLE OUT OF TOWN I MISS:
Eli
Ryan
Karina


Whats up with everyone and going on vaaaacation for summer. GEEZE

Turn into you.




I should be sleeping.
FUCK.

The suns begining to rise.
The yeah yeah yeahs are playing.
And I feel like shit.

La Quinta, California.
Fuck you.

Something has got to give, honestly I really can't go on living like this.
People are mad blah blah blah fuck them. I can't belive how nieve I was to think I could tell someone something in confidince and have them not blab it back.


So, this is what I've got so far. I can either:

A.) Walk into oncoming trafic.

B.) Move away into a cabin in the woods very far and only go into town for food. And when I do this I will tell everyone I am def and dumb. That way no one needs to talk to me.

Those are my options and one of those is going to have to happen really soon. I can't just keep killing time waiting for my mental breakdown. Because what I have been doing does not seem to be working so something has got to give.

3:10 a.m.

Everyone is really full of shit. If theres one thing I can't stand its people who act like they are not full of shit, and are the most real people in the world. But they are sooo not.

Raaaannndommmm shittt.

- HEY! As of tomorrow. I will have a warrent out for my arrest. Because I will not be showing up for court.

- I blew stuff up tonight. And Frank threw a firecracker at my crotch. I got away in time though..don't worry.

- I apperently have a double date tomorrow. I don't really know what to think of that.

- I hattttee you.

- I've been biteing my nails constantly.

But hey It's okay really, I mean. It started as a joke. I'm hopeless blah blah blah stupid shit, but I sware to god it sunk in and I convinced myself enough that it just might be true. And that scarresss me.

Oh and I sware to god she is a goddamn idiot just like everyone else, and she should probably come to terms with that.

Man even the insomniacs are asleep.

That my dad could stay sober.

yeah! I really don't care but you know whatever.

The most nervous guy on the planet.

I really feel shitty.


HEY HEY HEY HEY

hangout with me yeah?

The most unperceptive person in the world.

I've got suchhhh a crush on her.